Dispatches from the Trenches: Rex Hefty on the Free Market

In my Glorious days

The editor of the New York World Herald Spectator-America would like to address his many readers in a special way. He, as a veteran Pulitzer Prize-winner and Oxford graduate, would like to share his wisdom on the Free Markets. He also would like to thank Jon Huntsman Jr. for his enlightening contribution the previous day to this very newspaper.

I live in Washington D.C., commute to New York, live in New York, and commute to Washington D.C. I file nine stories a day, on average, and my fellowships and awards are too many to name. Born into privilege in a Louisiana cotton empire, and croquet dynasty, and a graduate of Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Oxford, Dartmouth, Oxford again, and the Columbia School of Art Photography, I have been decorated and graduated many times into the throes of success. Therefore, please listen to me.

That is called building a relationship with your reader. I have built it. Do not doubt me. Many times, in my years of success and book-writing, I have contemplated the Free Market. What does it mean? Let’s take it word by word.

A market is where you buy food, like cheese nips and such. Where poor people go, essentially. And Free means you don’t have to pay, ever. When I was at Cambridge,  I was given Free snacks for being such a good debater. It pays to debate. Sometimes, when I wander among the slums of Park Slope, Brooklyn, I think to myself: why cannot all people lift themselves up like me and be successful? Mother told me I’d be lashed by the gilded cane if I didn’t mail the essay my French tutor Jacques penned for me to be accepted into Harvard, class of ’35. Do we need more gilded canes? The answer is only yes.

Every year, when the tax collector comes ’round and my guard bull Jaundice kills him to make him leave, I think, why cannot the markets be Freer? Michelle Bachmann, bless her soul, said what you earn should be yours, and yours alone. Why must Communist governments steal the hard-earned money of my many salaries, fellowships, cotton royalties, and such? If every lad had him a cotton empire, he would be set, and if he lifts himself up by his boot straps, like I did, the cotton empire would be his. A proposal: less laziness. Another proposal: more boot straps!

Yes, there is a definitive lack of boot straps in this country. When I was a boy, and my Latin tutor Chester and my large ominous radio were my only friends, until Sherwood, my lover, I had many boot straps to lift myself up on. Every room of the chateau was layered with boot straps! On the other side of the train tracks, where the impoverished inferiors lived, they had a few boot straps too, but hardly lifted themselves up. They simply gnawed like animals. It took Father to purchase their land to make them start using bootstraps correctly.

In conclusion, I propose a government that does not exist, yet exists only to distribute boot straps. Of course, they won’t be Free. You must work for them! That is the definition of the Free Market, and a superb country that has never failed.

-Rex “Reginald” Hefty

Hey. I’m here. Hey..Hey! Look at me!

Sorry, I hate to utilize large media outlets like the formidable and Pulitzer Prize-decorated New York World Herald Spectator-America to get the word about my candidacy out, but I believe it’s necessary to win America, my ultimate goal, and defeat Barack Obama, a crypto-communist and enemy of the people. (Yes, I worked for him, but only later to subvert him. That was my plan, I swear!) My name, good Americans, is Jon Huntsman Jr., and I believe you should elect me as your next president.

The numbers “don’t look so hot” as they say in blue collar sectors of Utah, the state I governed. According to this liberal article, I’m polling at 1 percent behind mental midgets like Rick Santorum and Ron Paul. As we like to say in the Utah underclass, “come on, people.”  Let me explain why I am the best candidate, and far better than that crypto-anarcho-communist-Obamacare-bub Mitt Romney. Allow me, please. I am your future.

Okay, I am the ideal candidate. First of all, I am in touch with the people. In touch, I say.  Look at my smile on my wikipedia page. I’m quite warm, really.  I obtained the rank of Eagle Scout with the boy scouts, a very American rank. I am very American. Look at my name: Jon Huntsman, Jr. What a non-threatening name! Very manly, very Christian, like myself.  Jon isn’t even short for anything, unlike Mitt, whose real name is “Willard.” I mean, “what the hay!” as they like to say among the farming proles in my state of Utah, where I governed for some time.

Also, I am wealthy, but in an American, good way, not in a bad corporate way. My dad founded a really cool chemical company that has billions in revenue annually. This makes me a “billionaire” but also a man of the people, because I understand what it’s like to grow up with a dad with high expectations. It can be hard! I was an ambassador, you know.

Seriously, I look like a president, don’t I? Very distinguished hair, more distinguished than Mitt Romney’s, and my state is more unique. Lake Michigan doesn’t have nearly as much salt! Does Massachusetts even have lakes? I bet their high taxes took all the water, ha ha. And I never created OBAMACARE, not never ever ever, and if you make me president I will, with a very distinguished swipe of my pen,  repeal all of it. I love America!

Yes, global warming is real, but only is a vague way. Don’t worry, I really don’t like the environment. If I do, it’s just because secretly subverting the “politburo” regime of Comrade Obama might’ve left me with a few kooky ideas which I will definitely, as president, “sweep under the tractor” as they say among the small business owners of Utah, my best friends!

I’ve been called a “conservative technocrat” by liberal muckmongerers the Huffington Post. I am conservative, but no technocrat! I hate techno! I like all forms of popular American music of the common man, like blues ballads, country westerns, and in very small doses to demonstrate my diversity at public gatherings, the rap music.

In conclusion, you can see, I am best for the job. My name is Jon Huntsman, Jr. Juniors are always great! Look at Griffey! I love American sports! And look at my hair, and my skin, and my very steady poise. Very steady! Please support me, thanks, Jon.

My handy how to guide to gaining applause at a Republican Debate

1. Maintain you’ve vetoed everything. You hate everything. You will defeat everything. Everything is bad, except Ronald Reagan, though he might’ve used a bit too much executive power, but never say that, because…

2. You must invoke Ronald Reagan’s name as much as possible. There is Jesus Christ, your savior, and Ronald Reagan, J.C.’s point man. Any time one of the liberal fascist moderators has you backed into a corner, or you’re too damn dazzled by Herman Cain’s “Nahnn Nahnnn Nahhnnn Plan” just invoke Ronald Reagan’s name, and you are safe. They will applaud you. I promise.

3.  Mention how many kids you have. You love fucking, you hate contraception. God wanted people to fuck and have kids. But you can’t say fuck, because you believe in family values. The more kids, the better. It’s good to adopt non-white kids too. It shows you care about non-whites. It doesn’t matter if you don’t. Just keep signing the adoption papers. And for the love of God Ronald Reagan, mention how you’ve raised a lot of kids and this makes you morally superior to everyone.

4. Say Obamacare. Say it a lot. Don’t stop, ever. What did you just say? Obamacare?  Good, I thought so. Remember to blame a law that has yet to be enacted in this country on everything. Unemployment is terrible…Obamacare’s fault. Hurricanes are scary…Obamacare. Ronald Reagan’s not living anymore…Obamacare. Remember, if there was no government, we would all live forever with the All-Father, Ronald Reagan.

5. Write a book, and talk about it, and talk about how you don’t lie in your book but everyone else lies in their book. You wrote a book because you love America. You have a roadmap to prosperity. Don’t say what it is. Mention the book. People will buy it and want to find out. Money is good.

6. Don’t answer questions, but propose contracts with America. People love contracts! They do, I swear. Newt Gingrich has a 21st century contract with America. What’s in it? Who cares. It’s a contract. It has the word America. It can’t fail.

7. When in doubt, you’ve spent time in the private sector, even if you haven’t. Just say that you have. Say you like business. You’re a businessman. Don’t mention having a rich dad. People don’t like that. Private good, public always bad. And then say Obamacare.

8. Say you love Israel, but not Jewish people. There’s a big difference. Jews are hording the Jew gold in a plot to corrupt Christian America and take Jesus out of the classroom, but Israel is great, because…it is. You like Israel. Applause.